i'm not sure if i have things to say

that are worth reading. i know i have things that i want to put down into words, but having an audience is not a major concern of mine. well, at least not on this platform. i think having an audience on other sites is worthwhile but finding that audience is. not fun or great. i'm deciding to put energy into this blog and my own personal site because i miss having a space online that is just for me. it really feels like instagram, twitter, facebook, etc. are for other people :( technically i have the choice to post on those sites for myself, but there is still a discomfort in being 'chaotic on main' or 'unhinged.' isn't it weird how even posting freely is still branded? that being nutty is an identity-marker categorized by an algorithm or even just subconsciously by people irl. i admit to having instagram-related anxiety but i'm not sure if i can put the cause + symptoms + outcome of said anxiety into words. i guess i'm not ready to unpack that - here, at least. some things don't need to be publicly available for all to see.
i like bearblog because of the control i have. to an extent. i'm still quite restricted by my own limited knowledge of css and html, but i'm slowly getting the hang of it. it's an art form, really, and being able to communicate with the computer or whatever to make something pretty is an accomplishment, i think. for years i wondered how people used fonts in html and i learned in the past week how it's done! i can't begin to explain how happy this makes me lol.
this is where i will also admit that i'm not a good writer or speaker. i admire those who sweep others away with flowery language and genuine love of words but i could never emulate that. it's a shame too because i think my perspective could really be elevated if i had convincing words and just general charm lol. until then i'll continue to speak in an choppy way and hopefully my ellipses will convey the tone i am going for ...?
anyway, not sure what i'll be blogging about. i have trouble drawing the line between diary post and blog post. but how do you write about 'blogable' topics without putting yourself in it? i've been thinking too much about the projection i offer to others online. some days i think i want to tell everyone my opinion and others days i internalize just how inconsequential my thoughts can be. this is not to be a self-hater, but downing a dose of reality. i think... if you're here you're here and if you're not that's fine c:
bye for now luvies,

-mary