...but it was okay. this week (although it's only halfway through but i'm also counting sunday and saturday) have somehow been both boring and exhausting. work is a little slow right now because we're in between episodes, so i've been doing a little reorganizing of my work folders and files. not very interesting! last saturday my work rented out the ice skating rink at rockefeller center for family skate night... it was very dreamy - i've always wanted to skate at that exact rink ever since junior high and my snl romanticization days (cringe but it was true idc). the ice was really smooth and nice to glide on because not a lot of people were there hehe. i feel really lucky to have these opportunities and to be in the position i'm in . many days it feels surreal, just one year ago i had no clue and basically no desire to be in this current industry. this wasn't because i disliked it but because i didn't think it was possible for me, it felt so far away.

some things on my mind

• im constantly fluctuating between wanting to share each and every thought and experience online (especially here and on my website) and a desire to scrub my virtual footprint completely! i do love the idea of having my ~being~ documented and archived, though. and i really enjoy curating a space that is tailored exactly to my interests hehe...
• also thinking about what it means professionally to exist online. remember in the days of the old internet when people were scared to share their real names and post pictures of themselves? now, people willingly share their 'real self' or as i like to think of it, the linkedin version of themselves, to show employers their character in and out of the office. but mostly to show how even when they're /out/ of the office they're still /in/. stupid, in my opinion i hate linkedin!!
• additionally, as more and more of ourselves are put online, what can fully dictate our job prospects? i'm not talking about offensive posts that get resurfaced or whatever ¹ but like content that is silly, funny, facetious, even incoherent - where do they belong if they make the linkedin version of yourself look bad .

i hate sauuurrr bad that i'm constantly thinking about my career, not because i dislike my path or job (i actually super love it) but because it forces me to confront what this all adds up to, and what life outside "the work grind" means. existing digitally is freeing and constricting, though both elements are up to your discretion. i guess i'm just quite curious and scared of how our virtual world and physical world will ultimately punish us for pursuing authenticity... erm, our attempts at it, since i'm not sure what parameters of authentic expression are when online spaces are by nature designed as performance spaces. i think i could go on about this topic, but i have more questions than answers and some anecdotes that are probably too individually-minded for such a daunting topic. i also have a lot of work i need to get to... so until next time

-mary

1. i'm very of the mind that if you posted something offensive/hurtful/ignorant, you should be held to your words and if you are truly sorry you will work to repairing your harm. whether that means making a statement, issuing an apology, actively changing your behavior, learning how to support those you hurt, etc. these solutions shouldn't be 'made for an audience,' meaning you shouldn't 'perform' them just so people are no longer mad at you... they have to come from the heart or at least from a place of regret. at the same time, the community you harmed has every right to accept or decline your apology depending on how much damage you caused. i think these kinds of drawn out steps toward accountability are important because often the excuse is 'well i was a teenager/minor/young/ignorant back then' and that's fine... but how are we to know that you've changed? it's assumed that we all grow and evolve but things like ideology and belief systems are harder to modify.↩